in response to "Apology" since, you know, i write too much and it wouldn't let me fit this in the comment box...

Shane (and others),

We all have the right to express our feelings -and especially here in this blog since we no longer have class together. That is why it is OKAY for you to feel hurt by what you may have felt was a lack of engagement in the blog. And it is OKAY for you to question things, too.

Sometimes the truth hurts, and yeah, like Mary said, it did sting when I saw your post, even though you labeled it “not a threat”…but did that title emerge before or after you wrote the post? You don’t have to answer that, but knowing that you might offend someone by saying something when you really don’t mean it in that way usually means that you felt offended by something/someone initially.

I check the blog daily too, even though I may not post, and when I don’t see any new posts or comments, yeah it’s a little disheartening, but only because I love to see what’s going on with everyone and how I can be a part of that, and you all for me. Sure I feel some guilt when I’m not posting, but I also know that stretching myself thin at this moment in my life would probably break me. And I need to be strong so that I can graduate in December and get out of this hypocritical Norbertine factory -you know, other than the English faculty J

But I do keep reminding myself that if someone doesn’t comment, or if they don’t post, that they still care, but that other things in our lives are taking up some of that [creative] energy. I know this because we wouldn’t have kept up with the blog this far, as Mary indicated – after class – if we didn’t. I wouldn’t be talking about a book project with Beth, and my grandma and my parents if I didn’t care.

I also know that I trust all of you enough to be able to directly say to you, hey, I would really appreciate it if you could give me some feedback on these images, or, hey, what have you been shooting lately, and could you post some images? And, Shane, it’s perfectly fine for you to ask us if we are really committed, and to tell us that we need to make sacrifices .

Time can be a funny thing. We count by days, but I think creative time works on a different clock. When I wake up in the morning, I may feel exactly the same as the morning before, and then again, some days I just feel different – capable of doing anything. For a span of time (perhaps three days) Beth practically avoided her other homework because she could think of nothing other than her farm photo project from intro and how to make that the highlight of her senior show. What she would write in the program, in the descriptions, how excited she was to send out her invitations to her community in hopes that some of those shown in the photos will show up.

She was on a creative high, and it was infectious, because that’s when we started talking about all the possibilities. But it doesn’t happen all the time, and when it’s not, atleast for me, I just have to look back to those moments and have them help me fuel to my next creative destination. And sometimes, I have to literally push myself to get started.

Maybe from the outside it looks like the blog is running on empty, but if it captured our daily thoughts and feelings like a twitter feed I know it would reveal otherwise. What I know for a fact, is that those of us who have been active on the blog will continue to be, because we care about our work and that of our peers.

I think that's how we need to really see each other now. Not as classmates, not as teacher and student, but as peer artists. I know we’ve discussed this before, but I still think our current mentality has been irkingly (is that a word?) similar to that of the past. I think it would take the pressure off of you if you stopped thinking that you have to be spending outside time posting new artists on the blog for us to look at to inspire us, when instead we should be able to use each other as a resource by asking for feedback when we do have the time. If you need a break, that’s okay. You have no idea what it means for us that you still do post on the blog, but we would continue to post, even if you stopped altogether…though I’d prefer if you didn’t.

When you posted about one of your students in relation to Mary's work, I was curious about VCU's blog. So, yeah, I creeped on it all the way to the first post this year, because it was intriguing. Your students engage with that blog to a higher degree than I ever have with ours. They have some really neat projects going on and some of them seem very committed. And, yes, it is probably an assignment for them to be posting, whereas we now don't have the allotted time specifically for a photography class. But in any case, it was refreshing to see the life in that blog and to read about the struggles that your students face as they relate to our own as well.

I came across (I don't know whose) photos that looked like Beth's Lady Gaga-like series. I sent Beth a facebook message containing a link to the blog for her to check out, and that was the first time she knew that you were teaching somewhere else. I'm going to be completely honest, and I was surprised to find the same reaction from Beth. We were actually pretty bummed out that THEY have the opportunity to be taught by you, whereas it felt like we were robbed from that. It was this weird jealousy of your new students for what they now have tainted with frustration and anger at SNC for ever letting you go.

But never once did we think, gosh, now that Shane’s there he just doesn’t care about our work. That NEVER enters my mind and I highly doubt anyone on this blog thinks that either, so it’s OKAY that you allot your time and energy to your new students. They deserve that much, and that’s your job, and I hope you’re getting paid well for it, too. But I know that you must care a lot about them to, or you wouldn’t have posted what you did.

We know that if we do need to talk to you about our projects or if we need feedback, we can ask you, and if you need to keep us on the backburner until your schedule frees up – that’s okay, too. Because that’s how I feel about Mary and Jacki as well. I know that eventually I will hear from them or they from me, because I don’t doubt for a second that they care, even if they are busy with other stuff, and life in general, which, let’s admit, can be a bitch sometimes and make us feel miserable. But none of us are giving up, I can assure you of that.

Of all the people I know, you’re the last to want to hurt anyone, by what you either say or do. But have you really been able to express your emotions? To express that you do feel angry, or hurt, or plain pissed off by what happened to you at St. Norbert? Seriously, Shane. You have that right. You absolutely do. I’m glad you said something about it in your last post, because I was beginning to think that you had some superpower that could heal these wounds. I’m no shrink, but it sounds as though you could really use someone to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know what happened there and who doesn’t carry in preconceptions or just that feeling you get when you talk to someone who “knows.” That feeling sucks. It still occasionally comes up in conversations with my newspaper staff and brings it all back, crushing down on my chest that it’s literally hard to breathe. If it’s still that real and painful to me and it wasn’t even happening to me, I can’t imagine what it must be like for you and your family.

If you’ve gone to counseling, therapy, or whatever – good for you. If you did once or twice, maybe try going again. It takes a lot of courage to seek that help out, especially if you feel you can usually handle things on your own and make them disappear, like I used to think about myself. But when I simply couldn’t handle what was going on in my life anymore, I decided I needed to start seeing someone who had never met me or anyone else in my life before, and I can’t even begin to describe how much of a weight it has taken off of me to just be able to talk openly about what I feel.

I was holding in my anxieties and fears about what I’m going through in my relationship, and it spilled over, projected, whatever word you want to use, on my staff. I was irritable, I ignored emails, and I’m pretty sure people thought I had my period 24/7. And who would want to be working for someone like that? The people who look up to me and need me to be cool-headed and give them direction. But you know what? Despite those few oddballs whom I’m sure we’ve encountered before, people DO have the capability for understanding, and when I apologized, they knew it was sincere, because it was. As I know yours is, too. And even though we didn’t need one, because you have every right to say what you did, you apologized because I think it’s also what you needed. [And if you haven't caught on by now, apology accepted. Further, you never lost my trust.]

Mostly, I think you see your former students (who remain on this blog, especially) as indicators of your success at St. Norbert. That our successes are yours, as are our failures, mistakes, etc. But when will you see that your presence, your ability as a teacher, a mentor, a friend, has ONLY been positive? You have helped each one of us SO much that words can never truly describe. And if you have doubts about that, your mind is only trying to make something up from thin air.

At the same time, I realize that we are probably CONSTANT reminders of what happened to you there. Maybe directly, maybe indirectly, but a reminder none-the-less. So when we aren’t “active” on the blog, you take the direct hit, even if you do so subconsciously, and clearly even when we don’t realize it. Show me that what I went through wasn’t for nothing – isn’t that what you’re feeling? Because if it is, which again you have every right to have those feelings and emotions, I can guarantee you that what you inexplicably had to go through was NOT for nothing. Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve made a difference in SO MANY LIVES! Teacher of the year, Shane. Not even the bigotry of the administration could shut that down. And that’s only one indicator. Do I need to continue?

And not to get all cliché, but it’s practically Thanksgiving, and one of the things I am most thankful for is that this community of people has been like a second family to me – one that understands the importance of art – in writing and photography. You’re the people who push me to great things and challenge me, and you have no idea how hard that is to come by. Thank you everyone for being a part of my life – I don’t know where I’d be right now had I not met all of you. Happy early Turkey Day.

Gobble gobble,

Sam

By the way, Shane, what I’ve recently discovered through my independent creative writing class with LMac is that by writing down exactly what you feel, what happened, what was said or not said, might be the start of a catharsis that you need. Just a thought.