some new stuff...more on the way

Some of these will be part of my critique on Wednesday... The more feedback the better!

What better way...

...to get past (at least for the moment) the emotional stuff than to upload a shit load of work?!

Three from my fledgling project with my Transgender friend (He has not gotten surgery yet to make his body match his Dude soul...the penis is a prosthetic):

And just a few (OK, seven) from the 35 rolls of Off Broadway this past September:

Not everything, but something...

Been away from the net since Wednesday (other than phone sized email).  I haven't had the opportunity to read Sam's post or Jacki's responses closely yet.  But there's one thing I need to clarify:

Yeah, sure, I care about my students now...and I care about students I've had in the past.  But I need you all to know that you ARE the most special students that I have ever had and will ever have:  you are the wonderful people who made my time in that hell worth all the hell.  It's important that you know that you are not just another semester or two or three worth of students to me; you helped me through the hardest time of my life.  You remain at my side.  

I will never be able to thank any of you enough for what you've done for me.

I'll respond more later...but just know that my post comes from my issues and that my apology comes from a sincere place.

Thank you all.

in response to "Apology" since, you know, i write too much and it wouldn't let me fit this in the comment box...

Shane (and others),

We all have the right to express our feelings -and especially here in this blog since we no longer have class together. That is why it is OKAY for you to feel hurt by what you may have felt was a lack of engagement in the blog. And it is OKAY for you to question things, too.

Sometimes the truth hurts, and yeah, like Mary said, it did sting when I saw your post, even though you labeled it “not a threat”…but did that title emerge before or after you wrote the post? You don’t have to answer that, but knowing that you might offend someone by saying something when you really don’t mean it in that way usually means that you felt offended by something/someone initially.

I check the blog daily too, even though I may not post, and when I don’t see any new posts or comments, yeah it’s a little disheartening, but only because I love to see what’s going on with everyone and how I can be a part of that, and you all for me. Sure I feel some guilt when I’m not posting, but I also know that stretching myself thin at this moment in my life would probably break me. And I need to be strong so that I can graduate in December and get out of this hypocritical Norbertine factory -you know, other than the English faculty J

But I do keep reminding myself that if someone doesn’t comment, or if they don’t post, that they still care, but that other things in our lives are taking up some of that [creative] energy. I know this because we wouldn’t have kept up with the blog this far, as Mary indicated – after class – if we didn’t. I wouldn’t be talking about a book project with Beth, and my grandma and my parents if I didn’t care.

I also know that I trust all of you enough to be able to directly say to you, hey, I would really appreciate it if you could give me some feedback on these images, or, hey, what have you been shooting lately, and could you post some images? And, Shane, it’s perfectly fine for you to ask us if we are really committed, and to tell us that we need to make sacrifices .

Time can be a funny thing. We count by days, but I think creative time works on a different clock. When I wake up in the morning, I may feel exactly the same as the morning before, and then again, some days I just feel different – capable of doing anything. For a span of time (perhaps three days) Beth practically avoided her other homework because she could think of nothing other than her farm photo project from intro and how to make that the highlight of her senior show. What she would write in the program, in the descriptions, how excited she was to send out her invitations to her community in hopes that some of those shown in the photos will show up.

She was on a creative high, and it was infectious, because that’s when we started talking about all the possibilities. But it doesn’t happen all the time, and when it’s not, atleast for me, I just have to look back to those moments and have them help me fuel to my next creative destination. And sometimes, I have to literally push myself to get started.

Maybe from the outside it looks like the blog is running on empty, but if it captured our daily thoughts and feelings like a twitter feed I know it would reveal otherwise. What I know for a fact, is that those of us who have been active on the blog will continue to be, because we care about our work and that of our peers.

I think that's how we need to really see each other now. Not as classmates, not as teacher and student, but as peer artists. I know we’ve discussed this before, but I still think our current mentality has been irkingly (is that a word?) similar to that of the past. I think it would take the pressure off of you if you stopped thinking that you have to be spending outside time posting new artists on the blog for us to look at to inspire us, when instead we should be able to use each other as a resource by asking for feedback when we do have the time. If you need a break, that’s okay. You have no idea what it means for us that you still do post on the blog, but we would continue to post, even if you stopped altogether…though I’d prefer if you didn’t.

When you posted about one of your students in relation to Mary's work, I was curious about VCU's blog. So, yeah, I creeped on it all the way to the first post this year, because it was intriguing. Your students engage with that blog to a higher degree than I ever have with ours. They have some really neat projects going on and some of them seem very committed. And, yes, it is probably an assignment for them to be posting, whereas we now don't have the allotted time specifically for a photography class. But in any case, it was refreshing to see the life in that blog and to read about the struggles that your students face as they relate to our own as well.

I came across (I don't know whose) photos that looked like Beth's Lady Gaga-like series. I sent Beth a facebook message containing a link to the blog for her to check out, and that was the first time she knew that you were teaching somewhere else. I'm going to be completely honest, and I was surprised to find the same reaction from Beth. We were actually pretty bummed out that THEY have the opportunity to be taught by you, whereas it felt like we were robbed from that. It was this weird jealousy of your new students for what they now have tainted with frustration and anger at SNC for ever letting you go.

But never once did we think, gosh, now that Shane’s there he just doesn’t care about our work. That NEVER enters my mind and I highly doubt anyone on this blog thinks that either, so it’s OKAY that you allot your time and energy to your new students. They deserve that much, and that’s your job, and I hope you’re getting paid well for it, too. But I know that you must care a lot about them to, or you wouldn’t have posted what you did.

We know that if we do need to talk to you about our projects or if we need feedback, we can ask you, and if you need to keep us on the backburner until your schedule frees up – that’s okay, too. Because that’s how I feel about Mary and Jacki as well. I know that eventually I will hear from them or they from me, because I don’t doubt for a second that they care, even if they are busy with other stuff, and life in general, which, let’s admit, can be a bitch sometimes and make us feel miserable. But none of us are giving up, I can assure you of that.

Of all the people I know, you’re the last to want to hurt anyone, by what you either say or do. But have you really been able to express your emotions? To express that you do feel angry, or hurt, or plain pissed off by what happened to you at St. Norbert? Seriously, Shane. You have that right. You absolutely do. I’m glad you said something about it in your last post, because I was beginning to think that you had some superpower that could heal these wounds. I’m no shrink, but it sounds as though you could really use someone to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know what happened there and who doesn’t carry in preconceptions or just that feeling you get when you talk to someone who “knows.” That feeling sucks. It still occasionally comes up in conversations with my newspaper staff and brings it all back, crushing down on my chest that it’s literally hard to breathe. If it’s still that real and painful to me and it wasn’t even happening to me, I can’t imagine what it must be like for you and your family.

If you’ve gone to counseling, therapy, or whatever – good for you. If you did once or twice, maybe try going again. It takes a lot of courage to seek that help out, especially if you feel you can usually handle things on your own and make them disappear, like I used to think about myself. But when I simply couldn’t handle what was going on in my life anymore, I decided I needed to start seeing someone who had never met me or anyone else in my life before, and I can’t even begin to describe how much of a weight it has taken off of me to just be able to talk openly about what I feel.

I was holding in my anxieties and fears about what I’m going through in my relationship, and it spilled over, projected, whatever word you want to use, on my staff. I was irritable, I ignored emails, and I’m pretty sure people thought I had my period 24/7. And who would want to be working for someone like that? The people who look up to me and need me to be cool-headed and give them direction. But you know what? Despite those few oddballs whom I’m sure we’ve encountered before, people DO have the capability for understanding, and when I apologized, they knew it was sincere, because it was. As I know yours is, too. And even though we didn’t need one, because you have every right to say what you did, you apologized because I think it’s also what you needed. [And if you haven't caught on by now, apology accepted. Further, you never lost my trust.]

Mostly, I think you see your former students (who remain on this blog, especially) as indicators of your success at St. Norbert. That our successes are yours, as are our failures, mistakes, etc. But when will you see that your presence, your ability as a teacher, a mentor, a friend, has ONLY been positive? You have helped each one of us SO much that words can never truly describe. And if you have doubts about that, your mind is only trying to make something up from thin air.

At the same time, I realize that we are probably CONSTANT reminders of what happened to you there. Maybe directly, maybe indirectly, but a reminder none-the-less. So when we aren’t “active” on the blog, you take the direct hit, even if you do so subconsciously, and clearly even when we don’t realize it. Show me that what I went through wasn’t for nothing – isn’t that what you’re feeling? Because if it is, which again you have every right to have those feelings and emotions, I can guarantee you that what you inexplicably had to go through was NOT for nothing. Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve made a difference in SO MANY LIVES! Teacher of the year, Shane. Not even the bigotry of the administration could shut that down. And that’s only one indicator. Do I need to continue?

And not to get all cliché, but it’s practically Thanksgiving, and one of the things I am most thankful for is that this community of people has been like a second family to me – one that understands the importance of art – in writing and photography. You’re the people who push me to great things and challenge me, and you have no idea how hard that is to come by. Thank you everyone for being a part of my life – I don’t know where I’d be right now had I not met all of you. Happy early Turkey Day.

Gobble gobble,

Sam

By the way, Shane, what I’ve recently discovered through my independent creative writing class with LMac is that by writing down exactly what you feel, what happened, what was said or not said, might be the start of a catharsis that you need. Just a thought.

An Apology

My last post was PROJECTION.  I am struggling to come to grips with what happened to me in De Pere, and my difficulties spilled over into this positive space.  For that I am truly sorry.  Mary called me out on it and I'm trying here to regain your trust.

With that said, may I attempt to rephrase what I wrote?

I'm emotionally worn thinner than I've ever been.  I'm trying to maintain my energy, production, positivity, and I'm not always succeeding.  De Pere almost killed me.  I check this blog once a day and have been disappointed that I've seen fewer and fewer posts.  I know there's always been an ebb and flow and that's nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be called on.  I guess it's just made it harder and harder for ME to engage the blog.  

What I'm saying is this:  what I wrote is a projection.  I should have never thrown the blanket binding me over those who have continued to participate in spite of enormous obstacles.

You are all inspirations and I hope I can be one for you again.

I'm truly sorry.

Shane

This is not a threat. Please don't take it that way.

I currently run a blog for my VCU class plus one each for my two current projects, each of which takes much time and energy.  I want to remain a part of this online community of wonderful people who came together and did amazing things, but if this blog remains as slow and disengaged as it has been over the last few weeks, I'll feel inclined to ignore it and concentrate my full energy into my other work.  

Again, this is not a threat.  If you still have the passion, I only ask that you show it.  If you don't, simply be honest.  I'm willing to do what I can for all of you if the energy is returned.  We're all busy and if this is something you think you should sacrifice for, then start sacrificing for it.  I judge none of you for the decision you make.  You all have always been and will remain people I respect, admire, and feel honored to have taught and been taught by.  

And know, too, that this has nothing to do with you, my community.  I'm having much difficulty with what I experienced there.  I have more than enough energy to continue to contribute positively, but if this becomes a place for mere dispassion, I can't emotionally deal.  We DO it or we DON'T, y'know?

Always your proud friend and prouder teacher,

Shane

haha

thanks for letting me know how to get into this with my old username and password.

now I have 2

Yo

I'm not sure who still posts on here, but for what it's worth I will be updating this (and probably another blog of my own) fairly regularly.

I've been shooting with my Mamiya RB67, Rolleicord, and a few little junky Kodaks that I stuffed with film that should not be in there. I just came across a ton of film too, so the plan is to keep this going.

-thanks for inviting me back on here Shane. Check you e-mail.

Nice Article on Francesca Woodman

Here.

Mary will be interested...

...to see this post by one of my current students.  I'm tempted to write (and so I will) that seeing these images will cause you to vent in some way!  I think you'll understand why I write that after seeing them...

Let me rephrase (if you will)

"...if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the great mystical oneness of all things deep down. Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it. This, I submit is the freedom of a real education...You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship. Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship..is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, cliche's, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story...Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. The insidious thing about these forms of worship is that they are default settings. They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing. And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day...It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden and in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over: "This is water."

-David Foster Wallace

Sam, Sorry to Defame Your Photo, but...

...just a heads up that we need to look for possibility in all of our photos.  What d'ya think?  Straight out of Nat Geo or what?  Play with all photos!!!

Photos from the Galapagos which I had once dismissed, yet still clung to...

Samstress (that means Samantha)

(Hido first image; Gersht second image)

Check out Ori Gersht.  Here is a brief description of some of what he's doing for the particular work I want you to ingest.  And here is a link to some of the images.

Also, check out Todd Hido's Landscapes.  He often shoots through car windows.

Where have all the farmers gone?

Here's an interesting statistic I learned from my environmental science class: A little over a century ago farmers made up approximately 50% of the workforce. Today, that percentage is less than one. The professor asked us to raise our hand if we came from a farming family. In a class of 30, the only hand that was up belonged to yours truly. I was shocked to say the least. I knew that farming was on the decline, but I wasn't aware it was that steep -- even in an area like Green Bay that I see tons of farms when I'm driving around back country roads.


Why am I so attracted to seeing barns and silos and tractors and clothes hanging out on the line to dry? Why, on such beautiful days like today and yesterday, do I feel compelled to get in my car, and drive to the countryside? Yesterday I didn't even connect to google maps to trace a route before I left -- and I unknowingly blew off a meeting that was scheduled in the afternoon - something that I have NEVER done before. I was so drawn to the outdoors, and I had to immerse myself in it, that I completely forgot about all else and just followed my instincts.


Normally I would drive north or south of campus, but yesterday I went straight west to what I then found out was Seymour and followed the setting sun (which unfortunately was occurring much faster than usual thanks to dear friend daylight savings). Once I made it out of Ashwaubenon, it was farm after farm after farm. It probably wasn't the safest thing to do, but after trying to come up with some writing ideas for my independent study in creative writing, I decided to let my camera be my eyes while I drove and just pointed and clicked at random times. I waited to see what I came up with until I got back to my apartment, and even though the photos are pure crapola....some do capture the mood I was feeling as I drove - rushing by the farms and just trying to take it all in -- a blur.


For the first time in a long, long time I felt my stress pack up its bags and move on out. It was just me, alone in my car, and following my instincts not knowing where I was headed. In a way, it was like having my brain massaged and freed from distraction. So much so that when I got the phone call that I was late for a meeting, all I could say was - I am so sorry, I completely forgot, but at the moment I am driving and honestly don't know where I am, and I'm just going to keep driving until I make my way back, and I'm not sure when that will be - we're going to have to reschedule.
I made it back a half hour before the sun went down, and I really surprised myself how natural it felt to make the turns and feel as though I was in my hometown - it felt so familiar to drive past a field that a farmer was burning and drive through the wafting smoke, a scent that brings me back to my childhood. Or when I saw a willow tree in a front yard of a farm house - a similar setting on my road back home, or a tractor sitting unused outside of a barn. When I came back to campus, I felt refreshed, but also grateful that I have this attachment to my rural roots. It can be hard when the weather is crummy, but it makes those sunny warm days with a cool breeze so much better.

The problem with pursuing any sort of photographic journey in this area is that a month from now I will not live here anymore. I will be back in the farm house I grew up in, in the small community that, though I may not know every one of them, they certainly know my family, and by association - me. Most people who can't remember my name from that place know me as "John's daughter" -which is not something I loathe, because I love my dad and an proud of him, but at the same time, I want them to know me - and I them. My grandma and dad will be talking sometimes about someone in the community -- many of which we are distantly related to (first cousins once removed and all that business) -- and they will assume I know the person and their family history and what they do for a living, what illnesses they have, and so on and so forth. And when I always say, no I don't know that person, all I get back is - oh, of course you know Roger Kupfer, of course you know Dale Maas, or Gib Tietz, etc. But really I don't, and I wish I did, or at least have some connection to these people my family knows for one reason or another, but mainly because we live in a small, tight-knit community. And I'm not talking about the kind of communio that SNC claims to be - no, there's no facade over the town of Lebanon -- this is a community that is connected. And whether or not I claim it, I am a part of this place.


My roommate Beth (Groshek) and I were talking about her senior show that she is doing in the weeks ahead, and I felt as though the two of us were reliving childhood memories. When we had intro with Shane together last fall, Beth's final project consisted of photos of farmers from her hometown. Two photos in particular are especially meaningful to me - one of her father as his hands cover his head in the barn, saying the rosary (not a staged photo by the way) and the other of a farmer holding his cap in one hand and squinting toward the sun. These photos are so honest to me. So true to what my perceptions are of the older farming generation. Sad but proud - burdened but honorable men.
Now that Beth and I have lived together and gotten to know one another better this semester, we've come to realize how similar are families are - especially our dads. And in some ways I think that having come from farming families that are no longer in working order, we have a certain understanding that only those children can know. A feeling of having to watch as your parents struggle to make ends meet, ultimately having to turn away from their passion of farming (which for my father seemed to be a lifeline) and find a new occupation, or like Beth's parents - forced into early retirement due to her father's recent heart attack. We've seen our fathers age quickly in the past few years. We blame our own psychotic need to be perfectionists and finish any assigned task no matter how difficult or strenuous, because that's just what you do -that's the only example we've ever known - and if you're going to do something, you'd better do it right the first time.

As we talked tonight, we were both being inspired by one another. Beth had her old batch of test photos in her photo box and we pulled them out and looked at them - saw how she had progressed in even just one semester, and she told me how terrifying and nerve racking it was to meet with these people in her community and take photos of them. Beth and I have lately been talking about taking a road trip out west after we graduate in December and making it a photo journey (we both are looking into job prospects in California, too). But we need to find a job first around our hometowns to even get money to make that photo trip happen, but in the meantime we thought about extending our projects. Her project of shooting her hometown (near Wittenberg) and more than just the farmers- but their wives and families, the landscapes and the town. And my project of shooting my family - but more than just my grandma and dad. I want to know more about my family and its history, not just from those in my family, but also those in my community, and by extension, my community of Lebanon itself. So as we talked, we realized that we were both sort of heading in the same direction. We talked about farming in general, what it was like to grow up that way, and how we knew just how difficult it also is for a farmer's spouse to be their through thick and thin, rain or snow. We want to support each other in any way for both of our projects, bouncing ideas back and forth, and maybe one day collaborating on a book project or an exhibition. But we both have to deny our instinct to see the end result and follow a certain path to get their as we have been trained all these years and to just let go.

-----

Check out these photos by Dean Riggott who wrote a book called "Life on the Farm: A Pictorial Journey of Minnesota's Farmland and Its People" which took over 4 years to compile. If you know of any other photographers who shot their communities and its people and landscape (especially rural life) please let me know and I'll also pass on the info to Beth too. We are both uber inspired right now, and I can't tell you how great it feels to have someone to talk to that has grown up very similar to how you have, and who shares some of the same passions as you. We may not agree on everything, but if you have someone who you trust to share your photos with (which I hope we can continue to do on this blog despite what may be going on in our lives) take full advantage of them! Help each other - motivate each other - support one another. One week we're griping about the uncleanliness of our apartment, and now this week we are psyched to keep each other motivated with our projects. Friendships (like all relationships) have their ups and downs -- and sometimes it is just where each person is at in their life. That doesn't mean you should stop associating with them just because you have some beef with them. We are artists -- we should be able to put aside personal junk that gets in the way from time to time and help each other out so we can keep improving.

First Attempt(s)

Jacki, check out this work (especially self portraits)

Gabriella Herman

None of us...

...will ever achieve greatness if we don't challenge our fears, if we don't decide that what we believe is arbitrary, if we don't choose the most difficult actions over the passivity that defines the majority of the majority of lives.  Beliefs are arbitrary, true exploration is not.  Your choice.  One is easy, the other more difficult than the most difficult thing any one of us can imagine.  But we all know from where the greatness grows.  Rise above your environments, external forces, indoctrination and do what actually feels right rather than what your environment has always desperately told you must be, at all costs, right.  Right and wrong is illusion; exploration, empowerment, freedom does not have to be.

John Cage

Jacki, another thought...

We speak about those opposing forces, right?  How I get it?  How we both experience them?  Makes definition seem like an impossible feat; perhaps that's just it:  we really are the Steppenwolf (yes, read it!  Hermann Hesse):  that's the definition.

With that said:  Why not create a project juxtaposing the construct of what your upbringing has created with the fears of what new, creeping ideas, experiences may be summoning.  You are two.  Show it.  Again:  just a thought.

From a multiple brotha!

Adam Holtzman

Ninety-nine percent of who we are is invisible and untouchable. -Bucky

Jacksonian Democracy does in spite of herself?

Francesca Woodman  This is a link to Wikipedia, but it appears Wikipedia links to a number of her 120 published images.

I say:  do in spite of yourself.  The only way to break out of the thing that binds you is to break out of the thing that binds you.  No amount of thinking will stick a key in the lock, turn it, and free self-imposed chains.

As an aside:  you can't go wrong just simply copying.  Perhaps you choose a handful of her images and just copy.  Something will come of it and the images need be for no one but yourself.