Some things you needn't a camera for. Some vibrant scenes get burned into your memory like a lingering spot in your vision after a shocking impression from the glowing sun. I have very strong memories of moments that I hope will never leave me and some memories that are painfully remembered just as vibrantly. Last week one of those painful memories will stick with me forever. I feel called to share this. To those reading this I apologize if any of my words harp back tough memories of your own. This is a fair warning to those who know dearly the battle with cancer that this may be hard to read. I am not trying to make a spectacle of the situation or make anyone reading this relive hard memories. Rather, it is my hope to reaffirm the fact that life is short. Too short indeed to not enjoy and much too short to not love on people.
I have recently moved back in with my parents "up north," as many people refer to the area. While life is more simple and slow up here and it lends for healing of different sorts. I was not that excited to move back. While many things have weighed into my decision to move back, opportunity to grow as an artist was not really one of them. There are many reasons, however, that are unforseen and only time reveals. I now know one of the reasons why I am where I am right now.
I had few very close friends in high school and while distance and bumps in our friendships have drawn us apart a bit I will always have memories with each of them. I spent much time with my friend Sophie (name changed for her sake). We had classes together, ate lunch together, studied together, played soccer together, and spent many late nights watching movies and talking about boys. I saw my friend nearly everyday and usually every weekend. As her parents were split I spent much time with both her mom and dad separately. I referred to her mom as my second mom.
My friend made a call to me right before Christmas to tell me that her mother had been diagnosed with stage four bone cancer and was in a wheelchair. Her mother didn't want to share her condition with her children so she kept it to herself for quite a while. Over the past few months my friend has watched her mother make the slow decline and the toll that cancer has on a body. By the time my friend's mom was diagnosed it had spread to seven organs, her bones, breasts and was taking over. Chemo treatments failed and her mother has been in the hospital since Christmas. Last week I got a call from my friend that sounded desperate. Through all of the perfectly timed circumstances and divinely ordained connections I was available to my friend last Tuesday. I met her at the hospital and I sat next to her on the bench outside overhearing a phone call to a relative planning out the funeral. As I followed Sophie into the hospital she warned me that her mother looked nothing like she used to. But even a fair warning could never have prepared me for what I saw. As I rounded the corner I fell into shock at the sight of a frail breathing skeleton propped up in the hospital bed before me. As I fought the tears welling up I examined her body. The many tubes were fed through her neck as her arms were much too skinny to support them. Her bald head and sunken eyes followed by bumps under the skin that held numerous growing tumors. Her swelled feet held unreleased liquid. The list goes on. This is not who I remembered. This is not the fragile body with whom I shared many laughs and roadtrips and soccer games with.
At my friend's request I tried desperately to hold in my tears. Her sleeping mother awoke for a brief time while I was there. Even though she could not hold conversation, she still asked how I was. How do you answer this? Before I left I got to see her smile and wave and blow kisses at both of us. That was my goodbye. Sophie's mom passed within the next day and a half. Her funeral is tomorrow.
Since my faith is a big part of who I am I will refer to this experience through those terms; so please respect it. This whole situation shows me that God has a plan. There is no other way that I could have been more available to support my friend had I not moved back home. There is no way that I could have afforded a trip back up here or been back on that specific night last week. All of this is to say that sometimes reasons are unforseen. But I am so glad that I could be with my friend through this because that's all I can offer. If I could find a way I would suffer all her pain. I would take it away even if I could see her mom smile just once more.
Sometimes it takes a lot for us to realize the blessings in life. However cliche some sayings are I'm buying into most right now. LIFE IS SHORT. This is a reminder that I felt I needed to share. At the end of the day I could not be more thankful that I have my health, my family, my friends and life. None of the emotional hurt I feel matters, none of the daily mishaps that frustrate me matters, nothing of monetary value matters because when a person is gone, they're gone. This past week has been such a reminder to me that I can get so wrapped up in my own hurt, my own frustrations, my own worries about my future that I need a smack in the face. You don't give up on people. You don't give up on friendships and supporting each other and you don't forget about someone in their last days, hours, and moments.
It seems totally unfair that while young lives are being lost, my life is offering new opportunities. I'd like to share that I have been accepted to two programs at MICA. I've been accepted to the Post-Bac program and the MFA photography program. I think that depth of this opportunity has hit me in a really big way in cotangent with all that has happened. I want to say that I never expected to get in and I really doubted myself in applying. I can say at this point that I am not certain what I will be pursing. I have much to think about before I commit to such a program. But I got in, and to me that's one of the biggest accomplishments of my life! So let this be a bit of encouragement to all of you. You can all do whatever it is you want to do if you decide to do it. Never forget what you are capable of. Never forget that your life is yours to live. Take chances, invest in loving people, offer support even when you're tired and never doubt the impact you may have on others.
God knows we all need each other. I am deeply blessed to be given an opportunity to pursue a master's degree. I am moreso deeply blessed to realize how much of a blessing it really is. I would not be accepted if I didn't have the support of all of you, if you didn't entrust me with confidence and respect. So this is also a thank you for supporting me.
All I ask is that you never forget that life is short. I know that it is easy to get involved in the daily shit but there is so much MORE. We're human, we will make choices and mistakes every day. But at the end of the day remember what you HAVE. For me life can be much more simplified if I nurture how God created the face to smile, the voice to laugh, the eyes to cry, the hands to wave or blow kisses, the feet to travel through, and the heart to love.
"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." -Audrey Hepburn
Scripture will remain an inspiration to my daily walk so let me share an inspiring verse with you all. Ephesians 3:20 He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we could ever dare to ask or hope.
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