New Horizon

While rummaging through my old photo stuff I found the following quote from Intro. Photo given to all of us by Shane. I find it inspiring and I hope you all do too. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

— Marianne Williamson 

My above work is what I've been up to. I've gotten much more into oil painting also and have been loving it. 

Shane's quote

"Adherence to style is a kid falling to fear!" 

Pablo

"GOD IS REALLY ONLY ANOTHER ARTIST; HE INVENTED THE GIRAFFE, THE ELEPHANT, AND THE CAT. HE HAS NO REAL STYLE HE JUST GOES ON TRYING OTHER THINGS." P. PICASSO 1956

March 21st

Some things you needn't a camera for. Some vibrant scenes get burned into your memory like a lingering spot in your vision after a shocking impression from the glowing sun. I have very strong memories of moments that I hope will never leave me and some memories that are painfully remembered just as vibrantly. Last week one of those painful memories will stick with me forever. I feel called to share this. To those reading this I apologize if any of my words harp back tough memories of your own. This is a fair warning to those who know dearly the battle with cancer that this may be hard to read. I am not trying to make a spectacle of the situation or make anyone reading this relive hard memories. Rather, it is my hope to reaffirm the fact that life is short. Too short indeed to not enjoy and much too short to not love on people. 

I have recently moved back in with my parents "up north," as many people refer to the area. While life is more simple and slow up here and it lends for healing of different sorts. I was not that excited to move back. While many things have weighed into my decision to move back, opportunity to grow as an artist was not really one of them. There are many reasons, however, that are unforseen and only time reveals. I now know one of the reasons why I am where I am right now. 

I had few very close friends in high school and while distance and bumps in our friendships have drawn us apart a bit I will always have memories with each of them. I spent much time with my friend Sophie (name changed for her sake). We had classes together, ate lunch together, studied together, played soccer together, and spent many late nights watching movies and talking about boys. I saw my friend nearly everyday and usually every weekend. As her parents were split I spent much time with both her mom and dad separately. I referred to her mom as my second mom. 

My friend made a call to me right before Christmas to tell me that her mother had been diagnosed with stage four bone cancer and was in a wheelchair. Her mother didn't want to share her condition with her children so she kept it to herself for quite a while. Over the past few months my friend has watched her mother make the slow decline and the toll that cancer has on a body. By the time my friend's mom was diagnosed it had spread to seven organs, her bones, breasts and was taking over. Chemo treatments failed and her mother has been in the hospital since Christmas. Last week I got a call from my friend that sounded desperate. Through all of the perfectly timed circumstances and divinely ordained connections I was available to my friend last Tuesday. I met her at the hospital and I sat next to her on the bench outside overhearing a phone call to a relative planning out the funeral. As I followed Sophie into the hospital she warned me that her mother looked nothing like she used to. But even a fair warning could never have prepared me for what I saw. As I rounded the corner I fell into shock at the sight of a frail breathing skeleton propped up in the hospital bed before me. As I fought the tears welling up I examined her body. The many tubes were fed through her neck as her arms were much too skinny to support them. Her bald head and sunken eyes followed by bumps under the skin that held numerous growing tumors. Her swelled feet held unreleased liquid. The list goes on. This is not who I remembered. This is not the fragile body with whom I shared many laughs and roadtrips and soccer games with. 

At my friend's request I tried desperately to hold in my tears. Her sleeping mother awoke for a brief time while I was there. Even though she could not hold conversation, she still asked how I was. How do you answer this? Before I left I got to see her smile and wave and blow kisses at both of us. That was my goodbye. Sophie's mom passed within the next day and a half. Her funeral is tomorrow. 

Since my faith is a big part of who I am I will refer to this experience through those terms; so please respect it. This whole situation shows me that God has a plan. There is no other way that I could have been more available to support my friend had I not moved back home. There is no way that I could have afforded a trip back up here or been back on that specific night last week. All of this is to say that sometimes reasons are unforseen. But I am so glad that I could be with my friend through this because that's all I can offer. If I could find a way I would suffer all her pain. I would take it away even if I could see her mom smile just once more. 

Sometimes it takes a lot for us to realize the blessings in life. However cliche some sayings are I'm buying into most right now. LIFE IS SHORT. This is a reminder that I felt I needed to share. At the end of the day I could not be more thankful that I have my health, my family, my friends and life. None of the emotional hurt I feel matters, none of the daily mishaps that frustrate me matters, nothing of monetary value matters because when a person is gone, they're gone. This past week has been such a reminder to me that I can get so wrapped up in my own hurt, my own frustrations, my own worries about my future that I need a smack in the face. You don't give up on people. You don't give up on friendships and supporting each other and you don't forget about someone in their last days, hours, and moments. 

It seems totally unfair that while young lives are being lost, my life is offering new opportunities. I'd like to share that I have been accepted to two programs at MICA. I've been accepted to the Post-Bac program and the MFA photography program. I think that depth of this opportunity has hit me in a really big way in cotangent with all that has happened. I want to say that I never expected to get in and I really doubted myself in applying. I can say at this point that I am not certain what I will be pursing. I have much to think about before I commit to such a program. But I got in, and to me that's one of the biggest accomplishments of my life! So let this be a bit of encouragement to all of you. You can all do whatever it is you want to do if you decide to do it. Never forget what you are capable of. Never forget that your life is yours to live. Take chances, invest in loving people, offer support even when you're tired and never doubt the impact you may have on others. 

God knows we all need each other. I am deeply blessed to be given an opportunity to pursue a master's degree. I am moreso deeply blessed to realize how much of a blessing it really is. I would not be accepted if I didn't have the support of all of you, if you didn't entrust me with confidence and respect. So this is also a thank you for supporting me. 

All I ask is that you never forget that life is short. I know that it is easy to get involved in the daily shit but there is so much MORE. We're human, we will make choices and mistakes every day. But at the end of the day remember what you HAVE. For me life can be much more simplified if I nurture how God created the face to smile, the voice to laugh, the eyes to cry, the hands to wave or blow kisses, the feet to travel through, and the heart to love.

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone." -Audrey Hepburn

Scripture will remain an inspiration to my daily walk so let me share an inspiring verse with you all. Ephesians 3:20 He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we could ever dare to ask or hope.      

"On average we have maybe 50 to 60 years on this planet. And we probably have 20 years when we're a vital presence, when you can actually do something with your life. So what are you going to do with that time? Are you gonna enjoy it? Not get involved? Or are you gonna try and do something to make some other peoples' lives better than they are, even if it means going through hell? Even if those people don't even appreciate what you're trying to do. Even if you're not sure yourself that what you're doing is going to make any bit of difference." -Eddie Vedder (out of context it's lovely, within context it's more lovely- check it).

Newly found jewels

Let me rephrase (if you will)

"...if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. It will actually be within your power to experience a crowded, hot, slow, consumer-hell type situation as not only meaningful, but sacred, on fire with the same force that made the stars: love, fellowship, the great mystical oneness of all things deep down. Not that that mystical stuff is necessarily true. The only capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it. This, I submit is the freedom of a real education...You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't. You get to decide what to worship. Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship..is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, cliche's, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story...Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. The insidious thing about these forms of worship is that they are default settings. They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing. And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day...It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden and in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over: "This is water."

-David Foster Wallace

First Attempt(s)

Adam Holtzman

Ninety-nine percent of who we are is invisible and untouchable. -Bucky

My anger is not against my world but myself. I wish I could see things differently most of the time. Mostly in a literal sense, but metaphorical as well. When I'm driving I see that the blue splotchy sky would be beautiful if those damn power lines weren't interrupting my view. The park would be beautiful if those damn brightly colored plastic slides weren't jutting up from the cement slab someone just needed there. I see my world interrupted. I see beauty distorted. I see things that I wish I could not. I am blessed to see. This ability also makes me anxious. I want to look people in the eye and have conversation. I want to share seeing with other people. I want to show what I can see. But what I see is ugly. I see the baby plants struggling to break through pavement. It is most simply speaking, due to my eyes that I can see, of course. But what can eyes show you? Portraits were made for an audience and I downright hate them. Thus, my challenge. When taking portraits eyes are not even focusing on the photographer but the glass lens behind which one of the photographer's own eyes interprets. What can you interpret from staring eyes outside of conversation? Can these eyes show you that I'm struggling to pay rent, that I'm lost beyond belief, that I'm trying? What is the draw to portraiture? Can you show a concept through simple reflections?

pulchritudinous?

Short shorts/ no shorts

With recent blogging confusion I thought I would use this as an opportunity for all of us to sort out our thoughts about nude photography and grow from it. I respect each of you as artists and there is no reason to shy away from tit (i mean...it), or try to avoid the subject. So... what are your thoughts about nude photography?

Through many thoughts/discussions I tried to sort this subject out from my first venture into photo class. It is ALWAYS a difficult aspect for me to contain in writing. I could write pages about it. But since the door is open I'll give a few of my thoughts on nude photography in hopes that this can continue to be a space where we are not hindered by our possible disagreements but write about them, as to gain perspective.

I think the human body is beautiful. I think it is a wonderful canvas upon which many colors and light situations can interact in a co-mingled way that cannot be found on any other surface. Skin is a wonder to me. It intrigues me. I find skin one of the most lovely things in the world. Due to this fascination, I never doubt why photographers explore how a body/skin can be used within the frame of a photo. Along with this visage comes a whole background of pressured stereotypes and societal role-play. What does a naked body suggest? To even mention the word suggest... I feel as though I'm already pointing out a scandalous nature. But why does an unclothed body have a scandalous label? Frankly, it doesn't have to, it never has to. Organically speaking, it is unnatural to wear clothes. Had nobody told you that you were naked, would you have known? But in terms of modesty today, where is the line/what is the boundary? I think we all face this every morning. Do we consider our appearance (in clothing) as a defining factor? Does this not only define our place in society but our inward views? I would argue yes.

Back to the visage of body in photos. As an artist I must digest the facet of photography that the product of photo can never censor thoughts experienced when viewed. What one person sees as color/placement/canvas another can see as sexual. How one person might respond to a photo is not how every person will respond. How then, do I respond to nudity in photos? In a complicated manner... I think that a body can serve as a strong element of a photograph. But it is not necessary. I think that it takes a strong photographer to use a body in a way to display something other than a suggestive sexual nature. Take these photos for example:
Bill Durgin. Master of sculpture.

Sarah Kaufman. http://www.sarahkaufmanphoto.com/

Master of color/light. While nudes are used within frame, it becomes more-so apparent to me that Sarah can SEE color and light. The body completes the photograph in secondary nature for me. For me, the body comments to the already present light and color situation. It takes on the color and light of the environment as well as giving off it's own color and light. I argue that the bodies within frame are not posed for sexual connotation. But that does not negate the fact that one could consider these as sexual images. The best way to sum up my thoughts most recently above: Even in the best effort to reduce a body to purely interacting as canvas within frame, or in the most innocent attempt to portray nudity as secondary it can always potentially be misread. This is such with any photograph. Our ideas/concepts explored as artists cannot speak for what the audience might see. This is why I find critique time so crucial. I cannot see what others can. I can choose to see.

Sally Mann.
etc.

While I think that it is an artist few and far between that can use body in a way that is not taken as immediately sexual, the subject will always intrigue me. Why do we find certain images sexual, etc.? Thomas Ruff, what of his work?

It is never my place to disregard the work of another artist. If someone is to pursue the subject of nudity I encourage them to write, to research, to blog. (as any artist should do with any subject being explored) What does nudity truly mean to you? Why include it/why not? Can a photo with a nude be purely done for beauty or composition or light? Even if you don't know the answers, or how to find them, consider everything; always.

As an artist I disagree with the subject of nudity being explored only because of the fact that it has become an immediately responsive subject. I disagree with including nudity only for the fact of creating tension due to a society pressured take on a naked body. I disagree with a lot of (what I see as) sexual disturbing art. But in the same token, I cannot disregard it. I need to face the art world, if you will, and all that it is.

In a whirlwind of the past few weeks, I have been both at center of exploring personal nudity and being subject of such. I will not disregard this. I will embrace what became of it. My body is my own. How I choose to protect it is ultimately my own decision. While it is easy to get caught up in the passion of photography, in the sweat, tears, and laughter that come from the process, I have to respect myself and who I am to others. To be the most honest that I have been on this blog... I trust this audience. But regardless, you are all still an audience. And as far as comfort goes... no, comfort is not always good. I also cannot disregard how others might view my body.

Being an artist is one facet of my life. It is in the midst (the marshmallow between graham crackers and chocolate) of my soul, my beliefs, my passions, my desires, my love for another, my day-to-day life. My art is an extension of my labels, my definitions from others, my own definitions about myself. It is not always easy to encompass title of artist, as many relate me to delusional, moody, free-spirited, poor, loser, psychotic (which, I'm not arguing that I'm not those things). But with that comes the idea that I have to sort of give in to what art has a reputation of being... sexual, unmoving, simple, stupid, etc. That is bull. I am Jacki. All of you using this space know me fairly well. I don't create because it comes easy to me. I don't create enlarged guns made of life savers and accept an award for that long worked half-hour. I don't create misspelled (sp?) ... band posters. I create because it lights a fire in my soul, it challenges me as a person to question my motives, my placement, my life. It makes me feel really fucking mad and lost most of the time. Being an artist means that I can create, it also means that I have to embrace my faults, my discomforts, my fears. Creating means that I must stand up to what I believe I need to and respect where I somehow fall in the middle of many other entangled thoughts, concerns, perceptions, and worries. I have to respect who I choose to love. That won't change.

I am a body. I am a canvas. I am hands, arms, teeth, hair, legs, back, shoulders, ovaries, eyes. I am living. I am growing (physically/metaphorically).

Back to my Future

fractal . . .

A fractal...something considered simple and orderly that is actually composed of repeated patterns no matter how magnified. A fractal is almost infinitely complex.

Fractals are often associated with recursive operations on shapes or sets of numbers, in which the result of the operation is used as the input to the same operation, repeating the process indefinitely. The operations themselves are usually very simple, but the resulting shapes or sets are often dramatic and complex, with interesting properties. For example, a fractal set called a Cantor dust can be constructed beginning with a line segment by removing its middle third and repeating the process on the remaining line segments. If this process is repeated indefinitely, only a "dust" of points remains. This set of points has zero length, even though there is an infinite number of points in the set. The Sierpinski triangle (or Sierpinski gasket) is another example of such a recursive construction procedure involving triangles (see the illustration). Both of these sets have subparts that are exactly the same shape as the entire set, a property known as self-similarity. Under certain definitions of dimension, fractals are considered to have non-integer dimension: for example, the dimension of the Sierpinski triangle is generally taken to be around 1.585, higher than a one-dimensional line, but lower than a two-dimensional surface. Perhaps the most famous fractal is the Mandelbrot set, which is the set of complex numbers C for which a certain very simple function, Z 2 + C, iterated on its own output (starting with zero), eventually converges on one or more constant values. Fractals arise in connection with nonlinear and chaotic systems, and are widely used in computer modeling of regular and irregular patterns and structures in nature, such as the growth of plants and the statistical patterns of seasonal weather.

I have a Buckminster Fuller-sort of passion for words such as fractal. =]

Beyond that is the curiosity for how it relates to art, to all or simply to my own. Imagine a body of art that acts as a fractal. I think a successful fracal artist maintains a sort of pattern/style throughout every work. I seek to achieve just this, a distinguishable pattern that overlays the language of photography to express concepts, dreams, ideas of my own. I am not to maintain the pattern as a form of comfort but as a form of expression so that the audience gets so lost within differentiated pattern within chaos that it is intoxicating. I liken this to me walking through the Eggleston exhibit in Chicago. I stood in front of every photograph, intoxicated, yearning. While each held a new pattern of thought, concept, series, they were together connected by the style.

In a sort of response to the quote: I love the pursuit of photography. Not because of what I can accomplish but rather the POSSIBILITY of what I can accomplish. Instead of knowing success, I feel as though I fail miserably every time I lift the camera.

I liken photography to a good hunt. Although, given a gun I would not do well. It's not exactly about what you shoot, but how. When hunting, you are searching for an animal, similar to a photograph. With knowledge of technique and technical skill you can hunt anything you wish. But you must pursue. The pursuit is done patiently and quietly. Most of the time hunting you seek one good shot. Sitting through storms, waking up early, and learning the humility of shutting your mouth all become expectations for a hunt. These things never guarantee your success, nor does the equipment or practice of hitting the target. But with the determination of success is hunting with intent. Without the intent to shoot you may as well starve. I've been starving for a push to shoot this summer. But without the intent to shoot even to gain knowledge of technical skill, etc. I do starve. The more I starve myself, the less I am capable of.

The possibility of photography in my life is a grand one. There IS nothing more intoxicating than that possibility. But I must continue the hunt.

If I were to wish for anything I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of what can be, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never. And what wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating as possibility. -Soren Kierkegaard

Where yo equilibrium at?

"According to the law of requisite variety, the survival of any system depends on its capacity to cultivate variety in its internal structures. Disequlibrium is life. Equilibrium is death. Prolonged equilibrium dulls our senses, numbs our minds, and atrophies our muscles."