Life is Messy.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them....I've had a lot of time to look back on my life. And the things that I remember best – those are the things I wasn't supposed to do and I did them anyway. The thing is: life is too damn short to be following these rules."

Let me begin by saying that it's usually a pet peeve of mine to quote TV shows/movies, especially those that can be annoyingly cliche, but I have to admit that I am a devout Grey's Anatomy fan, and when I was thinking about this post these quotes immediately came to mind. So if this bothers you, pretend someone other than the creators of Grey's thought this up, which when you think of it is kind of true because the same thoughts have been said/thought by others, just not exactly the same way.

Annnyyywayyy....

I have a few goals/ambitions, not for this upcoming semester or year, but for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect, so I know I'm never truly going to be able to check them off of a "how to be a better person" list because it would be impossible for negative feelings, words, or actions to not creep up subconsciously or even, on occasion, purposely. That doesn't mean we are bad people, it's just human nature to feel certain ways out of instinct. We are a competitive and protective breed, and without those traits we wouldn't have been able to survive in this world like we do.

But literally in the last 2 days I have been informed about close friends and/or their relatives whose health is quickly and rather unexpectedly declining. I know that all of us have probably dealt with or are currently dealing with grief, and some to a much higher degree and impact than I am even capable of understanding, but I think we can agree that when death lingers near, all else in the world seems meaningless. So before I spend one more minute of my life dwelling on the past, holding grudges, fretting over that which is superficial, and not really saying how I feel, I want to lay it all out there as a reminder to myself of what is really important in life to me.

In no particular order, just as they come to mind, these are my life goals at this moment in time:

1. To appreciate my family, friends and colleagues right here, right now for everything they have done for me, even if we have had disagreements, even if our political or religious beliefs differ, even if it sometimes seems like we don't even speak the same language.
So to my fellow classmates and professor: Thank you for pushing me to be a better artist, mentor and friend. I've never had such a close connection with a class before, and I've never felt so passionate about an area of study than what has stemmed from our photography class and meetings. Getting to know you all and sharing in your worlds of thoughts and feelings and art has been such a blessing to me, and I'm grateful for the time we had together in photography. Time that I will NEVER forget, despite its premature end. But I wouldn't really call it an end, because what has been taught and discovered in these precious moments will continue and always be a part of who we are and will become.

2. To say I love you more often, give hugs, smile even when it's hard, because someone out there will always, always, always be carrying a larger burden, and if they can make it through the day, so can I.

3. To spend time with family members I don't often see, or to call more regularly while I'm away, not just when something bad happens. Why do we always gravitate to those who are hurting and then turn away when we know that everything is okay?

4. To remember that we all make mistakes, and that it is possible to forgive and forget, even our enemies - those who just tore us down and made us feel worthless. It is likely that they suffer from just as much pain and know no other way to deal with life than to inflict that pain on others. If we treated each other with more compassion, for we never know a person from all 360 degrees, we would be able to recognize when others are hurting and find help for them, which in turn will hopefully help others. We don't have to "like" these people, but we can show civility.

5. To not give up because things don't go my way, or the way I had envisioned it to be. We can plan all we want, but ultimately life is out of our control. We can control how we decide to feel about a situation, though.

6. To fight the temptation to resort to old ways or to harbor old feelings, to stay and face rather than run away from my fears or insecurities. Because you never know what the future will hold if you only dwell on the past.

7. To see, to feel, and to experience life to its fullest. To use photography and art as a way to understand the beauty of this world, or to critique its shortcomings so that we can fix the problems that do exist in it, to the best of our ability.

8. To take time to make healthy choices, reduce my carbon footprint on this beautiful place, exercise, stimulate my mind through knowledge and new discoveries, relax, and reflect, so that I can set a good example for my (note: future) children and others around me.

9. To try new things, new foods, new activities, new ways of thinking and to embrace each for what they are whether or not they will become part of my routine. Change is good.

10. To keep a diary just for my eyes only (online or in a book) and write at least once a week, cataloging my thoughts and feelings, what is happening in the world, what I did, who I hung out with, what seemed important at the time, what I feared, what I longed for, and including photographs or poems, etc. Because one day my children and grandkids will inherit my belongings, and there is no greater gift than being able to literally relive your close relative's life.

This last goal stemmed from the latest photographer that Shane posted on the blog with the notes left around the house of this couple, which immediately made me think of my grandpa's diary that my dad now has and cherishes. Even knowing what the price of gas was or how bad the snowstorm was or what trees were cut down makes my grandpa seem less distant since his passing in '94, and I want to be able to give my descendants that gift...in addition to my own well-being, as writing is truly therapy for me. Why do you think my posts are always this long?? :)

One more.

11. To support the efforts of cancer treatment research, because even if I am not a doctor or scientist, I can help raise money and awareness. To remind myself that just because cancer runs in my family, it does not mean that I will share the same fate. And if I do find myself or my loved ones facing it in the future, that I will never give up hope, even until the very end. And to understand that even though my belief in/idea of God or heaven has changed over time, that I can find comfort knowing that "to dust we shall return."

Simply put, we don't know when our last day will be, and you don't want to regret being the person you are when it is your time. How will you be remembered by family, friends, colleagues and the environment? I want a fresh start. I want to be able to stay positive and strong in the wake of hardship. We only have one life to live. Will you cross the boundaries and get messy?

This post is dedicated to my 8th grade teacher, Pete Bauer, who just hours ago I was informed that his kidney cancer has returned and his previous one to two year time frame has been reduced to just a few days very unexpectedly. Also to my high school friend, Matt Krueger, whose rare form of cancer diagnosed in 2008 has returned and spread to his pelvic bone and abdomen after what was deemed a successful experimental surgery in D.C. last year. He and his fiance have decided to move up their 2011 wedding to this October. Another surgery is too dangerous right now, so he will begin more rounds of chemo to try to shrink the cancer.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in the spiritual power of prayer, because it gives us comfort and hope when we are in need, and right now these people could use a lot of that, and I ask that even though you don't know them personally that you keep them and all those who are hurting right now in your thoughts or prayers, and I will for you all as well. And also for Allyce Rupp and her family as her mom is in the hospital due to heart failure from cardiomyopathy. We can control some things, but others we cannot. We can only hope for the best.

Thanks everyone.

12. I'll try my best to be less depressing in my other posts. And to get back to photography, but these thoughts were crowding my mind and I literally could not even work on my homework until I wrote this.

13. To stop going to bed at 3 in the morning (refer back to #8) :)